Oh this should be a riot!
At the very heart of my being I’m stupidly shy.
I don’t go places to meet new people.
Not specifically anyway.
I don’t hang out in clubs, the drinking or the geek kind, and I don’t pick up women.
Mostly because I don’t talk to them, I don’t approach them.
As a shield, I simply say that I just don’t care, or that’s the way they would prefer it.
I mean really, do you want some random guy coming up and trying to start a conversation?
Possibly, maybe, I don’t know.
But that’s my excuse, and it’s worked wonders over the last 10 or so years.
Hell, the last person I dated practically fell into my lap, and I guess I’ve been waiting for that ever since.
So what’s a geek to do?
Well, the path was obvious; online dating.
Except I immediately hit another hurdle. I now had to ‘sell’ myself online.
By that I mean talk about myself in a way that might be appealing to the opposite sex.
Imagine a resume, but designed to be witty and less informative.
I have a hard enough time with resumes.
So how do I sum up myself in 1000 words or less?
Poorly comes to mind.
I tried bullet points. Oh, that’s sexy!
Brief and to the point doesn’t even work for resumes.
I tried reading other peoples profiles and taking some hints.
Seems everyone else did the same thing. They all sounded about the same.
No help there.
Now I have to provide a picture. Here’s another problem.
I can’t take a good picture of myself. I don’t fake smile well. In fact, I try to avoid it and go for that stoic look.
Or the bored look.
Or the mildly pissed off look.
I am the Labrador Retrieve of self portraits.
So let’s now assume that my profile is decent and the picture is one someone else took.
Now I have to send smiles out across the ether to prospective dates and hope they send one back.
At least, that’s the method I use.
See, you can either send a smile(free) or an email(not free). Since not free costs money, I try the free option first.
This gives them a chance to read the profile and look at the pic.
Generally, that’s as far as it goes.
But there are the rare occasions where they ‘smile’ back.
That’s where it get’s complicated.
Now I have to ‘up the ante’ as it were and send an email.
OK, so I’ve read their profile, and with any luck they have something in there that I can discuss a little bit.
Now I write a blind email to whomever, trying to sound both interesting and inquisitive without using the phrase “PLEASE GO OUT WITH ME!!!!11”
This falls under ‘chit chat’. I don’t like chit chat. Mostly because it forces me to think about things I don’t care about.
The local sports whatever.
The latest episode of Grey’s Anatomy.
These are not the things that interest the me. Yet people insist on talking about them.
This is why I’m generally regarded to as quiet.
If I don’t have anything interesting to say, or comment about, then I don’t.
Why add to an already pointless conversation?
I’m sure it’s a useful social skill, but I don’t like it.
Anyway, assuming that I didn’t sound needy and desperate in the email, they write back.
OK, this I can deal with mostly because they’ll try to follow the same guidelines. Respond to questions, chat, ask questions.
This I can deal with. I’m an email ninja.
However, there are times when you get thrown a curve ball, and they send you something that’s best described as a ‘sympathy email’.
God, what technologically advanced times we live in when people are sending sympathy emails.
“I’m sorry, but your last email told me that I shouldn’t go out with you, but I didn’t want to appear rude, so now I’m replying. Please don’t talk to me again.”
It’s weird, because you wonder if:
a) They haven’t reached the same level of email ninjary as you have
b) They’re really just not interested in you
So, like a twit, you send an email back hoping for a.
It was b.
The cycle continues.
Then, surprise and shock(maybe a little horror) someone responds with a real email.
And then you respond.
Then they do it again!
This goes on for a little while.
Then you have to take it to the next level and just simply ask them out.
Looking back, this might have been my mistake from the get-go.
See, as I’m sure you’re staring to figure out, I get nervous in front of people.
People I don’t know.
But I’ve found out that the nerves go away pretty quickly once I get into it.
So that’s what I do, I rush into the first date just to get it over with.
I swear, it seemed like a really good tactic at the time.
Maybe thinking of it as a tactic is a bad idea too.
So you’re sitting there, all nervous, waiting for them to show up, secretly hoping that they don’t.
You then realize that you’re in a coffee shop drinking the strongest coffee that they offer.
Right. Perfect for the nerves.
The date progresses, and this is it, the one chance you have to show to her that you’re not a total screw up.
Just keep the conversation flowing.
That’s right, back to the chit chat. There’s gotta be an online course for that.
Now you’re thinking about the internet.
Crap, you’re wondering about the kind of security an IMAP server needs!
Wait, what did she say?
It’s going so well!!!!
On the drive home you wonder what she thought of you.
Should you call her the next day, or just send an email.
You wonder if you had a good time. Did she?
The evening replays itself.
Wonder how long it would take to set up an IMAP server anyway…
Blogging makes me happy.
This post started out all moody and gloomy because that’s how I felt.
It always happens after a large party full of people I don’t know.
Maybe there’s some jealousy in there.
Maybe it’s pent up awkwardness.